Epiphany
by Ulquiarra
Summary: Story inspired by Staind's Epiphany. Ichigo goes to save Orihime while his Hollow howls inside his flooding mind. BL, not as angsty as it sounds.


Go listen to Epiphany, by Staind. Really, you don't get much more Depressed!Ichigo than that, it's amazing.

* * *

><p><em>Your words to me, just a whisper,<em>

"Kingy, ya can't keep doing this to yourself."

Ichigo ignored his hollow counterpart standing at his back, instead, staring out over the rain-drenched blue buildings that filled his subconscious landscape. The hollow, Shirosaki, as he'd taken to calling himself, didn't know a goddamned thing. Ichigo didn't have a _choice_- Orihime needed him, was probably undergoing torture as they sat here and slept, because Bawabawa was _tired,_ apparently.  
><em><br>Your face is so unclear._

A pale hand landed on his shoulder, spinning him to face Shirosaki. His dripping white hair stuck to his greyish skin, his manic grin missing for once, black-gold eyes a strange mix between psychotically bright and sullen. The rest of his features were blurry, hard to see through the pounding, torrential rain, despite the fact that he was only a foot or so away.  
><em><br>I try to pay attention_

"King, I know I'm unearthly gorgeous, but if ya don't get your head out of the clouds, I'm gonna rip your head off and stomp on it."

Ichigo's hard brown eyes attempted to focus blearily, but everything seemed to be jumping around. He was just so _tired_, and at the same time, so impatient; they had to keep moving. It was like a desperate flame burning in his stomach, eating away at his appetite, restricting his lungs, and it wasn't just Orihime he was trying to save. It was Yuzu, it was Karin, it was Rukia, it was Nel, it was his mother, it was everyone who was innocent, who was pure.  
><em><br>Your words just disappear_

A sharp blow to the jaw brought him back to reality, or back inside his head, anyway, and Shiro was holding him by the collar of his Shinigami uniform, lips curled in a snarl, eyes narrowed.

"King, you are _killing_ us. I would fight ya for control, but you're so incredibly messed up and frantic right now that it'd destroy us, both of us."

Ichigo stared at his hollow blankly, Zangetsu limp in his hand, rain soaking his face, drops tracing his chin.

"Why do you keep calling me 'king'?" Ichigo asked slowly, raising a hand to wipe the wetness off of Shirosaki's face. Shiro snorted and leaned in to the hand unwillingly at the same time that he shook Ichigo a bit.

"It's to remind ya of your duties to your horse. Kingy, listen to me; ya know I'm smarter than you. Yeah, that chick is in trouble, and I get you're worried, but you're flooding the place, and ya gotta-"

_'Cause it's always raining in my head_

Ichigo tilted his head up to the rain pounding down on him and his other half, Shiro's words blending with the damned rain and creating a melody that actually didn't sound half bad. It wasn't fair. All this bad shit was happening, right after he had made this alliance with Shiro. This should be the time of peace, where he and Shiro felt each other out, worked on this weird relationship that consisted of fighting and kissing and grudging caring and respect for each other, of protective instincts and the urge to make sure that the other was safe and happy. Where they practiced fighting like they had that one time against Zangetsu, where he wasn't mindlessly stealing Shiro's unwilling strength, but where they fought together, stood together, laughed and triumphantly called together.  
><em><br>Forget all the things I should have said_

Shiro landed another blow on Ichigo before throwing him on to the floor- wall, whatever, in disgust.

"How the hell am I supposed to help ya when ya won't listen to me, Kingy? How is this a partnership when what I say doesn't matter to ya?"

Ichigo looked up at Shirosaki, voice low as he answered, "You're right, Shiro. …Sorry."

Shirosaki blinked dumbly, golden eyes incredulous.

"King- did, did ya just… apologize to me?"

Ichigo's lips turned up slightly on one side.

"Yeah. Don't sound so surprised. It's not the first time I should have said it, but I'm not gonna say it again, so you just- let it apply to anything you want it to."

_So I speak to you in riddles_  
><em>'Cause my words get in my way<em>  
><em>I smoke the whole thing to my head<em>  
><em>And feel it wash away<em>

Shiro, still slightly off-balance, plopped on the wet glass next to Ichigo, tossing his reverse-Zangetsu to the side casually, declaring, "Well. Way to be the bigger man and make me feel like a jackass."

Ichigo smirked slightly, looking at Shiro out of the corner of his eye.

"Shiro, you _are_ a jackass. Me being the bigger person has nothing to do with it."

Shiro reached out to the side, shoving Ichigo, teasing, "I hope ya fall off the side of one of these skyscrapers, partner." Ichigo shrugged, laughing, the rain slowing to a light drizzle.

_'Cause I can't take any more of this  
>I want to come apart<br>Or dig myself a little hole  
>Inside your precious heart<em>

"You know, Shiro," Ichigo started thoughtfully as he leaned back against his sword, which was tip-first in the ground, its thickness providing an excellent backrest, "I've always wondered why you don't have a hollow hole."

Shirosaki glanced at him, feral grin in place.

"You're totally using this as a distraction. Ah, well. Who am I, your noble white steed, to deny you, the king in shining armor? I dunno, Kingy. Maybe it's cuz the hollowfication process didn't work. Maybe cuz you're a hollow-Shinigami hybrid human, I'm a Shinigami-human hybrid hollow. Like you're not totally human, I'm not totally hollow."

Ichigo blinked, looking at Shiro, pleased with how well his partner was distracting him. "Wow. That was- deep, for someone who thinks he's completely made of nothing but raw, blind instinct."

Shiro heaved a dramatic sigh, mocking smile twisting his pale lips as he glared teasingly at Ichigo, who was standing in preparation to go, feeling Rukia call his name from the real world.

"The things I do for ya, the idiot who wormed his way inside my nonexistent heart."

_'Cause it's always raining in my head_  
><em>Forget all the things I should have said<em>

Ichigo stared in horror at the monster that stood before him, not _because_ of the monster, per se, but because of the way Ulquiorra was looking down at Orihime. He'd seen that look on Shiro's face, whenever Shiro was about to do something that he knew would hurt Ichigo, but would make him stronger in the long run. It wasn't like it was surprising- if anyone could get an Espada to fall in desperate, twisted love with them, it would be Orihime- but part of Ichigo cried out in sorrow. Loving a hollow was _painful_, and he'd seen the look on her face when Grimmjow had imprisoned Ulquiorra in the Caja Negacion, and there was _something_ there. He opened his mouth to say something right as Orihime screamed. There was a brief, agonizing flare of pain in his torso, he heard a howling shriek of rage echo from his mind, and then he sunk into oblivion.

_I am nothing more than_  
><em>A little boy inside<em>  
><em>That cries out for attention<em>  
><em>Yet I always try to hide<em>

It was dark. And cold. And raining. God, he _hated _the rain. Ichigo frowned. He could hear- _something_. Listening hard, he realized with horror what it was. Suddenly, he was a wide-eyed child, standing on the backs of a river, watching his mother bleed to death from bite marks from a scary monster that he could've sworn existed only in horror movies. The cacophony of her screams increased, and he heard her words echo deafeningly in an unholy symphony in his ears.

"_Why didn't you protect me, Ichigo? Why didn't you save me? I always guarded you, and this is how you repay me? Why didn't you save me, Ichigo? Save me, Ichigo! Save me! Save me! SAVE ME, ICHIGO!"_

With a roar, Ichigo stood in synchronization with Shiro, feeling Zangetsu fly to his hand, hair shooting out of his skull, along with horns, fur sprouting from his wrists and ankles, and with one word echoing in his head, Ichigo advanced on the threat.

_Protect…_  
><em><br>'Cause I talk to you like children  
>Though I don't know how I feel<br>But I know I'll do the right thing  
>If the right thing is revealed<em>

"_I don't get why you're so upset, Kingy,"_ Shiro sniffed from inside of Ichigo's head, the two surveying the scene ahead of them. Shiro watched with satisfaction as Ulquiorra dissolved on the wind, Ichigo with guilt and regret. His first kill- someone who didn't deserve it.

_Because it was wrong to end it like that, Shiro_, Ichigo whispered back, feeling like a parent. A parent whose child was a sociopathic, homicidal berserker, granted, but a parent, nonetheless.

Shiro's triumph mixed unhealthily with his bitterness, creating a strange, hollow feel in the pit of his stomach. Everything was so wrong, nothing was ever right. How was he supposed to be the warrior of the light, the knight in shining armor, the king of good, if he couldn't find the right thing to do anymore? What had happened to black and white? Where had all this grey come from?

Looking at Orihime's back mournfully, able to sense the lament singing through her heart even from ten feet away, Ichigo turned and jumped off the edge of the dome, ready to don his mask, his evil hollow mask, and do what was expected of him.

_'Cause it's always raining in my head_  
><em>Forget all the things I should have said<em>

The pain in his heart dull, Ichigo stared out his window. His powers were gone. Zangetsu was gone, Rukia was gone, Renji was gone, that rush he got from fighting, all of it was gone. He had saved the world, and lost himself doing it. Worse, he had lost Shiro. They had never gotten a chance to actually do anything. In the end, they had done, had said, _nothing_. As he stared distantly out the window, at the sunny world, ignoring his little sister's begs to please, _please_ eat something, he wondered if Shiro would be complaining about the rain in his head.


End file.
